Friday, January 29, 2010

Did someone call for a doctor?

I’ve been sick for the past couple of weeks. And my God it’s been annoying. It hasn’t been the kind of sick that just goes on for 2 weeks – which is why it’s annoying. My sickness actually went away for a couple of days and so I started doing my normal activities again. And it came back. Strong. Like a real jerk. So, since I’d lived with it for a week, I thought I should just stick it out. But I finally caved and went to see the doctor. I just happened to get an appointment with my favorite one at my general practitioners office. So, that made me happy. But after our “meeting” I was reminded of our history. You see, I remember this history, because in my side of this story, I’m only seeing him. But I would venture to say he doesn’t remember me so clearly because he sees thousands of other people that aren’t me, every year. So, really, he’s the lucky one. To only have to see me a couple times a year – could you imagine?? It would probably be awesome. Here are some of the highlights of our time together. I’ll just refer to him as Dr. B. He doesn’t really need a name for the purpose of this game. Of course, you DO need to know that he’s a cutie, though. He is short (to me) but a super cutie – among his other great traits. I’ve seen him many, many times, but there are a few quality times I’d like to share. Thankfully, for all of these different visits, the setting will be the same – the office patient room. Of course it isn’t always the same room, but that doesn’t matter to you, does it? Didn’t think so…

Age = 16; Reason for visit = my yearly woman exam (my very first!)
Dr. B comes in and explains what will be happening and makes me feel at-ease, before he explains to me how to wear the paper gown and blanket for this particular exam.
I quickly get undressed and in these oh-so-comfortable “clothes” (can I wear them out?!?) and wait.
Dr. B (knocks and cracks the door open): May I come in?
Me: Yes, come in. I’m naked! And ready!
Dr. B (shaking head): Jesus

Age = 22; Reason for visit = not feeling like myself, going through some personal issues and have to see a Dr. to refer me to another Dr.
Dr. B: So, tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.
So, I explain away – I won’t bore you with these details
Dr. B: Alright, so basically you just got a lot of shit going on in your head. And it’s fucking with you. So, all you’ve got to do is just get it out. Write that shit down on paper. Make a list of “things that are bad” and “things that are good”. I bet you have a pretty hard time filling out that bad side….
Visit continues…but seriously! What a bad ass! This dude cussed and spoke to me like a human. I already liked him, but man…it was getting serious. REMINDER: he HAS already seen my lady bits, too.

Age = 24; Reason for visit = It was the summer, but I was sick and needed to see my doctor. For this visit, my boyfriend (now husband) comes with me.
In the waiting room, I let boyfriend know he should come back with me, if he wants, so shortly after we are escorted to the room. At this time in my life, I’ve just graduated from college, but am still looking for a day-time job. What this means is I am still a bartender. And that means my boyfriend is dating a bartender.
Dr. B (knocks and slowly walks in): Oh my God! It smells just like a bar in here! Jeez guys!!
Visit continues…awesome! He knows what a bar smells like. That’s my kind of doctor!

Age = 26; Reason for visit = twisted my ankle a few weeks prior and it was still really hurting
Dr. B had it x-rayed and found out I’d fractured this ankle in 2 places. Oops.
Me: Yeah, but I’ve been walking on it for a few weeks. I mean, that must mean I have a really high tolerance for pain!
Dr. B: A few weeks? No. All that means is that you are stupid.

Age = now; Reason for visit = this stupid sickness I was complaining about that got this whole mess started
Dr. B (knocks and comes in – as soon as he sees me, he shakes his head): Oh, now here’s trouble
We discuss the reason for my visit and he puts the stethoscope up to hear my heart
Dr. B: Well, it’s beating.
Me: So, it IS there?
Dr. B: Yes. But it is so cold.
We discuss the fact that I’ve been sick for 2 weeks and my stupid husband NEVER gets sick
Dr. B: Well, that’s a good thing.
Me: No, it is so annoying. Can you like give me some of this sickness in a jar so I can pass it to my husband?
Dr. B: I want no part in that. You are MEAN!
Me: No, it’s just frustrating. And he’s SO cocky about it, too.
Dr. B: He’s a GUY!
Me: Ugh.
Dr. B: Any other questions?
Me: Was this a waste of my time to come in? I mean, it’s just going away on its own, huh?
Then we spent literally 10 minutes talking about restaurants and bars and the beer we like to drink. Oh! And I left feeling better!

So, Dr. B – I know you don’t read this, but man do I adore you. You’re real and honest and so helpful. I feel bad you have me as a patient sometimes, but I think I keep you on your game. If nothing else, I help exercise your head-shaking muscles, right? And you better believe I hope someday my kids have a doctor as cool and smart as you are. Plus, you’re really cute.

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