Friday, January 15, 2010

My husband is an idiot.

First of all, if you’re married to me, you shouldn’t be reading this. So, to clarify: what that means is, if you call me “your wife” and we said “I do” in front of friends and family in a church in REAL LIFE, do not read this.
So, here’s the deal. My husband is an idiot. I know most of you will think, “Hey, wait. She’s married to my husband, too?” But don’t worry. I’m not. Because I’m the only one stupid (do I mean ‘lucky’?) enough to marry this guy. Sure he seems great on paper – funny, SUPER nice, giving, adorable, hard worker, passionate, etc…but he’s a moron. Because he says things sometimes that are just idiotic. And he’s not saying it to be mean. Obviously. Otherwise I would say “my husband is jerk wad”. That’s not the case. He’s just a dude who doesn’t know that what he’s saying to help a situation is actually making said situation worse.
(deep breath) Let’s recreate:

Me (walking out the door for work): Sometimes it’s just hard to work 2 part time jobs because I just don’t know where either job is going
Moron: Well, you know what you’ve been told.
Me: Yeah, but that could be ‘lip service’ for all I know.
Moron: Listen, we all know you’re easily replaceable…
Me: Wait. So I should really be worried now. Thanks for making my uneasiness even worse.
Moron: No. What I’m saying is that you aren’t an asset.
Me: Ok. I’m going to work. Thanks.
Moron (panicky back-pedal): NO! I’m not saying YOU. I’m saying a person…
Me: Bye. I love you.

And I do. I really do. He’s great and he really doesn’t do things maliciously. So you can’t be mad at him almost ever. Like the time he got off work and went out with co-workers for ‘a beer’. Please keep in mind I’m not stupid. I realize what ‘a beer’ means. Mainly because I enjoy many ‘a beers’ quite frequently. But what I am learning is that ‘a beer’ to my husband actually means this:

This is the last communication from me. I will likely drink so much that being convinced to hang out at someone’s house after the bar closes (YES – I will stay until close) is a good idea. And then, I’ll probably drink more. And will only wake up when you have woken up to no husband at home, no car in the driveway, and no answer to my cell phone the first 4 times. THEN I will wake up, act like everything is cool (“yeah, I’m on my way home right now”) and get home an hour later, after you’ve left for work – hopefully.

And I don’t get mad. I really, really, really don’t. Frustrated? Sure. Defeated? You bet! But to drive the moron nail in the coffin, he did it again THE VERY NEXT NIGHT. Only this time, it was ok. Because, see, he was taking care of the co-workers who got drunk and needed rides. And needed to hang out more. And then needed to go get some breakfast at 5:30am. Oh, wait. That time I actually did hear from him. He text me asking if I wanted anything from Café Brazil around 5:30am. Bad move on his part, cause if it weren’t for that text, I may not have even noticed that he got home at 7:00 that morning.

God bless. My husband is still reading this. Hey, moron…remember what I said? That’s what I thought. So, you better not bring this up to me at dinner. When you’re removing your foot from your mouth so you can finish the perfectly cooked chicken and veggies I made for you. That you are eating in the beautiful house I just cleaned for you because I paid the mortgage on time.

Man! I’m such an awesome wife. What were we talking about...?

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