Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
From: Atypical Alecia
Subject: Dog Food!
Sent: Tue 12/15/2009 10:18 PM
You really, really need to bring it in tonight. They are completely out now.
Also, the garage….
Love you lots and lots.
Then I went on to discuss other things, but you only need the first part of the message. And to know that I said I loved him. Because then you’ll think I’m a nice wife. Which I’m really not. So…that subject remained the subject line for the following 5 message exchanges. The dog food bag has been in the back of the car since I picked up the dogs after our Thanksgiving trip to Houston to see the in-laws. So…that’s over 2 weeks now.
Ok, ok. I’m not saying that I could not have brought it in at another time. But, it was in his car and there is rarely a time when he’s not home but his car is. And it always seems to be when he’s not home that I remember we need to bring the food in.
So…flash forward to this morning. I wake up, let the dogs out (we have 3). They come in the house, all excited for “puppy chow” time. Only to find…nope, no puppy chow for you jerks. “Jeff” * doesn’t think you’re important enough to remember that you eat food. So, I ask this “Jeff” guy: ‘did you bring in the dog food?’ Oh, no, he forgot. Well, “Jeff” you should probably go get it, ‘cause these f-ers are hungry.
And still nothing. He falls back asleep. So, I ask again. And again. And again. Probably totaling about 10 – 12 times. NO real response from “Jeff”. Then, I remind “Jeff” that although I am now ready to leave for work, I will have to go get the food and it’ll take me another 20 minutes to feed the dogs and take them all out. Again, no real response.
So, I go get it myself. And I feed those adorable animals that we chose to bring into our home and care for. I did it. Yup. And then I take them out.
Here is a translation of what went down:
Cast of Characters (all extremely adorable):
Dexter – 85 pound Border Collie / Sheppard mix
Dignan – 12 pound Min Pin / Toy Fox Terrier mix
Zoie – 6 pound Chihuahua / Min Pin mix
Me – already a bit-annoyed
“Jeff” – a non-factor in any of this part of my story
Scene begins with Dexter deciding to play a couple of games:
Dexter: growls (runs RIGHT up to Zoie as she poops and knocks her over)
Me: Dexter, let’s go inside
Dexter: bark (run around the back yard)
Me: C’mon! Everyone inside.
Me: Oh, sorry Dig, I didn’t see you pooping
Dexter: bark (runs RIGHT into Dig as he’s pooping)
Dignan: bark (actually more of a cross between a girl and a bird scream)
(chases after Dexter)
Me: Damn-it! Everyone! Inside!
(other 2 dogs begin to obey)
Dexter: (run around GRABS something resembling poop; runs around more)
Me: Dexter, sit!
Dexter: (runs around)
(other 2 dogs now have jumped on top of a concrete block in backyard, observing the idiots)
Me: No!!! Sit!!
Dexter: (growl; run around; growl; eventual sit)
Me: Inside! (defeated)
All head inside.
I have determined that something is up. My message stating the dog food needs to be in the house clearly was not clear. My reminders to “Jeff” clearly were not clear. AND my discussion with my dog about going inside clearly wasn’t clear. I don’t have a lisp or an accent or anything. So, I’ve decided that my English is not as clear as I thought it was. Clearly.
And maybe that’s why sometimes I find things that I’ve asked for aren’t being taken care of. I think I’ll have to do more research on this and I’ll certainly get back to you…
*To protect the innocent, some names have been changed.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
This is how I feel about 80% of the drivers out there. For real. It's absurd the number of drivers out there who don't follow basic traffic / driving rules. So, to help all of you horrid drivers out there (pay attention owner of the blue Chevy parked out there) I am going to do a basic run-down of driving etiquette.
Blinkers: Use them! You paid for them. You can get a ticket for NOT using them. Believe me - I've been a passenger in the car when someone (cough, cough, Jeff, cough, cough) has gotten one. They aren't super expensive, but they aren't cheap either. And, it's just plain courteous.
Merging: DO NOT CROSS THE DOUBLE WHITE LINE. I can see how this might be confusing. I mean all the letters from mainly the beginning of the alphabet mixed up with some from the middle and end of the alphabet. So, here's what that literally means: don't cross over the two white lines. Except the sign is yelling that at you.
Left Lane: Freeways / Highway / Toll Way / roads with more than 1 lane - every one of them has an understood "left lane is for passing only" rule. Don't get in that lane to teach someone going fast a lesson. They're in the lane TO go fast. Get the heck outta the way. Just do it and quit bitching.
Lane Change: (1st refer to ‘Blinkers’ section) then look over your shoulder BEFORE and DURING said lane change. If you *happen to* cut someone off, give a wave and apologize. Even if it’s fake, it’s just the right thing to do since you chose to drive like a doucher.
School Zones: Go the limit. Don't speed in them. You are a freaking idiot if you do. It angers the other drivers, too. Don't make them angry AND miserable. They just want to get to work so they can be miserable there. Leave the anger out of it.
Lights: Pay attention. That light’s gonna turn. And it will likely be happening in the next 20 – 45 seconds. So, just watch it. You know? Just kinda keep an eye out to see if that red light changes soon. And then, GO. To be more specific, push the gas pedal and head through the intersection. Don’t be an ass if someone politely honks either. Just drive. You have somewhere to be, don’t you?
Toll Booths: It’s not a secret you’re driving. Or that you’re driving on a Toll Road. Get your money ready ahead of time. You moron.
I’m mad now. At this 80% of you who can’t seem to get this right at any particular point during the day. It can’t be THAT hard to follow the rules, can it? Try it. See how it feels. If you don’t like it, keep doing it. And don’t stop. Then, once your license is revoked when you’re 75 and unable to hold your bladder or the steering wheel, you can look back and decide. Was it worth it? If your answer is yes then you are welcome. If your answer is no, then you are also welcome. Because you would have likely died years earlier in a fiery car crash at the school zone intersection of the left lane on the Tollway while trying to go 45mph but then suddenly realizing you need money to be driving, so you change lanes without using your blinker and crash into a wall. Idiotic moron.
Monday, December 7, 2009
So, I started Tweeting about 8 months ago. And the great thing about that (for you) is my thoughts HAVE TO be condensed to 140 characters. That can be very, very, very hard for me. Because I like to talk. A lot. And embellish. A lot. But what it got me thinking about is the fact that so many people share their thoughts, multiple times each day, and yet, there’s got to be so much more to whatever story or part of their story they choose to share. So, I thought today, I could pull an old Tweet out and tell you what was really going on with the statement I shared. Let’s see if the whole story really is better than the shortened version:
Tweet: just saw a cop give a homeless guy a ticket. like giving courtney love a tranquilizer. what does that really do?
So, I had left my 1st job and was heading to my 2nd job. Most of the time, I take the Tollway, which bothers me, because I’m paying extra to drive to work; but it doesn’t bother me enough to use the “free” ways. When I was exiting, traffic was a bit bad for a couple of reasons. First, because it was afternoon rush-hour time and second, because a cop had his lights flashing and was pulled up partly on the sidewalk. Not such a big deal, until I realized the cop was out of their car, talking to a homeless person. And by talking, I really mean he was writing down in his little ticket-pad thing. The poor homeless guy was just standing there staring (probably so drunk) trying to pay attention to the cop. And all I can think about is how ridiculous this situation is. First of all: how does the cop know that homeless guy’s name? There’s almost no way he had a license on him. Or registration, for that matter. So, this is how I imagine the conversation between the Homeless Guy and the Police Officer:
HG: yes, officer?
PO: can I see your license or permit to be on this street corner, sir?
HG: no, but my name is, um, Harry. Um, Harry…Harry…Harry Red…Um…Harry Toyota, I mean. And my address is this corner.
PO: what are you doing on this corner, Mr. Toyota?
HG: trying to get some food or money for food, officer [HG hiccups]
PO: well, Mr. Toyota, you can’t be on this corner without a permit [PO clears throat and rubs nose with index finger real fast].
HG: oh, ok.
PO: this is public property and you cannot ask people for money on this corner.
PO: don’t pull an attitude with me, Mr. Toyota
HG: [blank stare – then watches cars proceed through intersection, trying to avoid police car]
PO: now, Mr. Toyota, you’ve left me no other choice but to issue you a citation for solicitation
PO: [writing ticket] what’s your address, Mr. Toyota?
HG: you can just put where we’re standin
PO: [finishes up, tears ticket off and hands to HG] maybe this will help convince you that next time, you shouldn’t be on a street corner asking for money
HG: yup [pees himself just a little]
Now, I feel the need to clarify here. I like police officers. Really, I do. I appreciate what they do for all of us and I respect them. But all I could think about was how that poor homeless guy now has to find another street corner, (where this cop won’t find him) and beg people for money to help pay his ticket. Because he has a scheduled court date in 2 weeks. Plus, he’ll need money for an outfit when he appears in court. But if he misses the court date, then he’ll have to wait at that corner where he was initially issued the ticket for a certified letter stating he missed his court date and now a warrant has been issued for his arrest. This homeless guy just can’t catch a break.
And then I wonder, if I gave him money, could I get in trouble? I shouldn’t have to ask every place I spend money to provide me their business license or permit, right? It’s just too much.
So, as I drive off, I think about that U2 song lyric: “A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle,” and I realize Bono could have just as easily written: “A homeless man needs a ticket, like Courtney Love needs a tranquilizer…”. So, I wrote it down and posted it. And that, my friends, is how my mind works when I am confined to 140 characters.
Thank goodness for this new invention of blogging.