Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Drivers Drive Me Crazy

Seriously. YOU have a license? That is legal? That is valid? To DRIVE A MOTOR VEHICLE? I don't believe it. How?

This is how I feel about 80% of the drivers out there. For real. It's absurd the number of drivers out there who don't follow basic traffic / driving rules. So, to help all of you horrid drivers out there (pay attention owner of the blue Chevy parked out there) I am going to do a basic run-down of driving etiquette.

Blinkers: Use them! You paid for them. You can get a ticket for NOT using them. Believe me - I've been a passenger in the car when someone (cough, cough, Jeff, cough, cough) has gotten one. They aren't super expensive, but they aren't cheap either. And, it's just plain courteous.

Merging: DO NOT CROSS THE DOUBLE WHITE LINE. I can see how this might be confusing. I mean all the letters from mainly the beginning of the alphabet mixed up with some from the middle and end of the alphabet. So, here's what that literally means: don't cross over the two white lines. Except the sign is yelling that at you.

Left Lane: Freeways / Highway / Toll Way / roads with more than 1 lane - every one of them has an understood "left lane is for passing only" rule. Don't get in that lane to teach someone going fast a lesson. They're in the lane TO go fast. Get the heck outta the way. Just do it and quit bitching.

Lane Change: (1st refer to ‘Blinkers’ section) then look over your shoulder BEFORE and DURING said lane change. If you *happen to* cut someone off, give a wave and apologize. Even if it’s fake, it’s just the right thing to do since you chose to drive like a doucher.

School Zones: Go the limit. Don't speed in them. You are a freaking idiot if you do. It angers the other drivers, too. Don't make them angry AND miserable. They just want to get to work so they can be miserable there. Leave the anger out of it.

Lights: Pay attention. That light’s gonna turn. And it will likely be happening in the next 20 – 45 seconds. So, just watch it. You know? Just kinda keep an eye out to see if that red light changes soon. And then, GO. To be more specific, push the gas pedal and head through the intersection. Don’t be an ass if someone politely honks either. Just drive. You have somewhere to be, don’t you?

Toll Booths: It’s not a secret you’re driving. Or that you’re driving on a Toll Road. Get your money ready ahead of time. You moron.

I’m mad now. At this 80% of you who can’t seem to get this right at any particular point during the day. It can’t be THAT hard to follow the rules, can it? Try it. See how it feels. If you don’t like it, keep doing it. And don’t stop. Then, once your license is revoked when you’re 75 and unable to hold your bladder or the steering wheel, you can look back and decide. Was it worth it? If your answer is yes then you are welcome. If your answer is no, then you are also welcome. Because you would have likely died years earlier in a fiery car crash at the school zone intersection of the left lane on the Tollway while trying to go 45mph but then suddenly realizing you need money to be driving, so you change lanes without using your blinker and crash into a wall. Idiotic moron.

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