So, we live in and around Dallas. Which made for a very exciting Christmas, because this year, we actually had a White Christmas. Fun! But snow apparently doesn't make things easier or more jolly. Beer and wine do, actually, but that discussion is for another time...Christmas Eve, I worked a 1/2 day and was off at night. Jeff worked at night. So we managed to come together in between to buy a few final gifts and eat some Mexican food for a late lunch. (the thought of not having the ability to eat Mexican food for even one day in our household is rather scary...)
Again, it was the night before Christmas, except many creatures were stirring. And they were dogs. 3 of them. One, in particular (Dexter) is, as we are about to learn, obsessed with snow. AND we learn the fact (yes, fact) that he owns it. ALL of it. The other 2 dogs get to deal with this any time they try to step paw on that snow. Mr. Dexter will be there and he will pounce on them in addition to bark over and over. Basically he's saying, 'get off of MY snow, if you want to live'. Very annoying, if you're anyone other than Dexter. Which we are. I eventually get them inside and try to avoid taking all 3 dogs outside together again.
To prepare for Christmas the next day, I'm baking/cooking, feeling very wifely, especially when I learn the apple pie baking will coincide with Jeff getting home. He loves apple pie. Well, Jeff finally gets home! And I'm so exhausted, but I'm ready for help wrapping and putting all of our ornaments on the Christmas tree (yeah, that little task was still on the 'incomplete' side of my to-do list). But Jeff, although home, is feeling sick. This is a BIG deal. He's felt sick about 3 times in the 5 years I've known him. So, I throw in the towel and say let's just go to sleep. And I do. He stays on the couch, hanging with the dogs and the TV for a bit more and eventually comes to bed.
In the morning I wake up to my phone ringing. Mom? Dad? Brother? Santa?!?! No. It's CVS Photo lab letting my know the pictures we ordered that weren't ready when we needed them are now ready. 8:30am. On Christmas. So, I turn to Jeff and my Christmas morning begins:
He asks, "Who was that?" I say, "CVS photolab. Those pictures are ready now. You should go up there since I think I almost made the manager cry last night." Then I ask, "Where is Zoie?" (Dog #3 - usually sleeps in bed with us.) He says, "She died." Very sleepy-headed, with a smirk on his face, but then says, "That's what I dreamed." I say, "Really, she's dead? Or is she in her kennel?" Him, "In her kennel." Me, "Did you really dream she died?" (concerned) Him, "No." Me, "Merry Christmas (cuss)hole." He chuckles. And then farts. The morning has begun. So, I get up and let the 3 dogs out. As Zoie is taking care of some sort of personal business, Dexter notices she is, in fact, in his snow, so he runs directly at her. He is a bowling ball and she is now the pin. This is SO annoying. I'm over it. And by the looks of the sky, the sun is, too. I bring them in for "puppy chow" time and just shake my head at our rude, much larger dog. Soon after they eat, Jeff's decided to join us all. And then I hear, "No! No! No! No!!!! Nooooo!!!" As I look up to ask what's happening, I see him picking up Zoie, and taking her outside. "She peed. ON THE COUCH. She was staring right at me!" Jeff says. So, we spend the next 20 minutes working on stripping our couch and cleaning the fabric. Not one bit of this was on the Christmas to-do list.
But soon, I am finally able to get to present wrapping. As I begin, I realize a certain husband-someone is on the computer in the other room, not helping. So, I politely ask and he proceeds to enter the dining room, ready to help. (REALLY!?!? ALL I need to do is ask? This totally beats doing everything, not saying anything and being bitter.)
In the middle of the wrapping he turns to me and says, "I don't remember having to do all this work last year." He's saying it as though he thinks we were giving a lot more gifts than last year. But, that's not actually the case, you see. "That's because last year I did all of it." There's the real reason, my friends. "Oh, okay." he replies. And the conversation during present wrapping time is mainly about what movie we will be seeing. But as the clock continues to move forward, I quickly realize this whole movie-on-Christmas-morning thing is not happening. Another Christmas argument. Followed by our tree finally getting decorated. Followed by getting ready to head to my parent's house. Followed by the greatness of this discussion... I will play the part of 'A' and Jeff will play the part of 'J' (Christmas music playing in the background)
A: do you think after all his hard work Mrs. Clause does something for Santa?
A: Like a bj or something?
J: He's like, 'I'm home...get on your knees'. Yeah, what does she really do?
A: Well, there's that song. "Who reads the list of Christmas joys? Mrs. Santa Clause..." or something like that. But she can't really do THAT much.
J: She gets the elves to do it all. What does HE really do?!?
A: He's really just a manager, right? I mean, he just leads them.
J: He bosses them around. He doesn't know how to make all those toys. But he probably does need to keep up with current techology.
A: Do you think he has a genius bar? I have to dry my hair, so I can't talk anymore.